


Definitely, Absolutely, Without A Doubt Not Suspicious At All

by htruona



Series: Apparently Humorous LU One-Shots [3]
Category: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humour, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda), Yiga Clan - Freeform, poor four has Had Enough(TM), poor twi is going insane from stress, the yiga clan dialogue is GREAT and i love that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-18 11:10:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21709837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/htruona/pseuds/htruona
Summary: The travellers of Wild’s Hyrule were truly strange people—going around talking to random people about the weather, selling overpriced bananas, and even telling fortunes (for free!). Wild insisted on speaking toevery single oneof them. For completely sensible reasons, of course.(Or: six times a Link reacted to Wild’s strange interactions with, em, “travellers”, and two times a Link dealt with the “travellers” before Wild even had the chance.)
Series: Apparently Humorous LU One-Shots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676488
Comments: 53
Kudos: 1008





	Definitely, Absolutely, Without A Doubt Not Suspicious At All

**Author's Note:**

> this was a blast to write!! i had so much fun with this. (part was my first and only livewrite, actually, that i did a couple weeks ago). thanks @ the discord for keeping giving me stuff that inspired me to write this!!
> 
> (edit: changed the description from “seven times a link reacted…” to “ _six_ times a link reacted…” because apparently seven plus two equals the eight links i made scenes for. yep. that’s How Maths Works, Baby. how am i predicted an A in advanced higher maths—)
> 
> edit 2: there are 1000 kudos on this. what the fuck. what the FUCK thank you ALL??????

Wild had a weird quirk, the group had noticed. Well, he had a few weird quirks—like managing to break _every weapon_ he came across, or refusing to let anyone else in the group cook food, or insisting on picking every single plant from the ground despite how he had a collection of at least 100 of every plant ever already. In his defence, the group wouldn't trust themselves with cooking the food in any case, but that wasn’t the point.

Wild’s quirk was, well—

He had to speak to everyone. Absolutely everyone he saw. Not even excluding the suspicious looking people on the side of the roads; in fact, he especially took the time to talk to those suspicious people.

Hyrule was about to lose his mind. 

“Wild,” he hissed, grabbing onto Wild’s shirt as he walked over to a random guy sitting next to a tree. “What are you—”

“Relax!” Wild said, pulling himself from Hyrule’s hold effortlessly. “There’s nothing wrong with this guy at all. I’ll be _fine_!”

Hyrule knew that was supposed to be reassuring. He was not reassured.

“I’m coming with you.”

Wild walked over calmly. The traveller caught sight of them approaching, and with a wave and a shouted “Hey!”, beckoned them closer.

“I heard the weather’s going to be nice tomorrow!” the traveller said upon them approaching. 

Wild let an easy grin loose on his face. “I know! Can’t wait,” he replied.

The traveller brought himself up onto his feet, hoisting his backpack onto his shoulders. “Right?” he agreed. A cheery smile danced on his face. “It’s a shame you won’t be alive to see it.”

In a burst of red, the traveller danced backwards, transforming into a warrior wearing a mask adorned with the upside-down Sheikah symbol. He grasped a sickle in his hand—one shape enough to easily slice a neck from a head in a clean hit. 

Hyrule instinctively reached for a weapon, but Wild caught his hand and shook his head in a silent ‘no’.

“What the— _Wild_?”

The not-Sheikah lunged. Wild pulled Hyrule out of the way. The not-Sheikah swiped with his sickle. He aimed a kick at Hyrule, which was barely sidestepped.

“ _Wild!_ Can’t I just—”

Wild shook his head again. He was still smiling faintly, as if remembering a funny joke. 

Wild dodged a couple more attacks, then mouthed to Hyrule, _three, two, one_ —

The trunk of a tree flew from the forest and hit the not-Sheikah dead-on, sending him flying into another tree and harshly slamming him against it. The not-Sheikah groaned before disappearing in a spell of red magic, leaving behind…

Rupees and bananas. Rupees and fucking bananas. Hyrule wanted to know what was going on, and he wanted to know it five minutes ago.

“What just happened?” Hyrule demanded. Wild ignored him, humming as he skipped to pick up the rupees and bananas. “Wild. Answer me.”

Wild skipped off to the camp. Hyrule stared dumbfoundedly after him.

“I am so confused…” he muttered.

* * *

Wind and Wild had ended up in Wild’s fucking Hebra Mountains after switching, separated from everyone else, and Wind was ready to stab someone.

It was cold. It was extremely cold. These mountains were the type of cold that drummed through your bones, poisoned your very inhale, made your fingers hurt to move—

The point was obvious. The cold, snowy mountains were, in fact, cold and snowy, and Wind did not appreciate it one bit.

That was why upon seeing a campfire in the distance he didn't hesitate to say, “Fucking _finally_ ,” before rushing towards it—and promptly walking again as he remembered snow was astoundingly difficult to run through.

A traveller sat at the campfire. With a smile, the traveller greeted them, urging Wild forward—Wild stepped forward with a cheerful grin. Wind hoped this damn conversation would be quick. He was absolutely, without a doubt, freezing.

“I have to say,” the traveller said. “Your visage looks as troubled as ever. Perhaps a glimpse of your future will ease your worries?”

Wild thought it over, tilting his head in an almost exaggerated curiosity, before nodding. Wind groaned. Neither he nor the rapidly diminishing warmth in his body had the time for a fortune.

“Excellent. Well, then, let me see,” the traveller continued. He hummed to himself, then gasped as if having seen something shocking. “I see… black. So much blackness… A deep, dark abyss, drawing you in…”

The traveller paused, bringing himself up to his feet. 

“Ah! It’s the void you’re about to inhabit.”

The traveller enclosed himself in a cocoon of red magic and emerged in an instant, waving a sickle madly in the air. Wind couldn’t help but let out a quiet (it wasn’t quiet) “What the fuck?” in response.

The sickle was raised high above the Yiga’s head. At the same time, Wild’s prized possession—a bow with a glowing blue string that Wind had been on the receiving end of not one, not two, but three thrown ladles for even daring to lay a hand on once—was drawn, an arrow glowing blue at its tip charging and ready to be let loose.

Wild let his arrow loose. In a twist of irony, the Yiga’s words were thrown back at him: for it was not _Wild_ who was about to inhabit the deep, dark void, but rather the Yiga after receiving an Ancient arrow straight to the chest.

“Dammit,” Wild hissed. Wind figured that he was frustrated about the whole random-guy-turns-into-insane-murderer situation, which was understandable. If Wild was thinking about anything else then Wind would really be worrying about his priorities. “I forgot I still had those arrows equipped. Those things are so expensive…”

…Wind had expected too much. Far too much.

“When I’m not freezing my ass off, we’re talking about your priorities,” he told Wild very bluntly. Wild shrugged, not caring.

* * *

“Hey, over here!” a traveller called from the beach.

Twilight poked Wild in the shoulder. “Should we?”

Wild looked at him, then to the traveller on the beach—who was plain-looking, friendly, and definitely, absolutely, without a doubt _not_ suspicious at all—then back to Twilight, nodded and pulled him along. 

Twilight froze, hit by a sudden feeling. An instinct, almost. It was a strange instinct, this one—activated exclusively in relation to Wild, or more specifically, when he was about to do something ridiculously stupid that would probably put his life in danger. In other words Twilight was awfully familiar with this feeling, and knew from experience that there was nothing he could possibly do to stop Wild doing the Stupid Thing.

So, like an idiot, Twilight let himself be pulled along.

“Step right up—don’t be shy!” the traveller said, waving his hands in the air. “Check out my fine bananas! They’re available to buy!”

Twilight gave Wild a side-glance that could not be interpreted by anyone with basic common sense as meaning anything other than ‘this is a stupid idea, no, we need to stop’. Unfortunately for Twilight, Wild couldn’t exactly be considered as ‘anyone with basic common sense’. He doubted whether Wild had any form of sense at all.

“So yellow, they’ll make you yell ‘oh!’ So fresh, you’ll think there’s a tree right round the corner! And the taste—” The traveller paused for dramatic effect, giving a chef’s kiss to the air. “Like a dream!”

Wild grinned. Twilight’s ‘Wild-is-going-to-make-me-go-grey’ instinct heightened in intensity.

“So what do you say—wanna buy a pair?”

“Sure! What’s your price?” Wild asked.

The traveller hummed thoughtfully. “I have ninety-nine bananas for sale, at ninety-nine rupees each.”

Twilight resisted the urge to facepalm. Surely Wild wouldn’t…

“I’ll take ‘em all!”

Twilight had, evidently, thought wrong. He shouldn’t be surprised. Yet somehow he still was.

The traveller smiled, eyes widening in open delight. “Perfect! You sure like bananas, don’t you? That’ll be nine-thousand, eight-hundred-and-one rupees, please.”

Wild took a minute to count out thirty-two gold rupees, two silver rupees, and a single green rupee. He handed them over to the traveller without a second thought. Twilight’s heart hurt—that was _so much money_ …

“Even the bananas are happy now!” the traveller exclaimed, pocketing the money. “Well then, I hope you come back later… No, that’s a lie as slippery as a banana peel.”

The traveller adjusted into a fighting stance. A smirk danced on his face. 

“For the bana—I mean, for the boss!” A cloud of red, and the traveller revealed himself to be a part of the Yiga; but alas, the sickle in the Yiga’s hand never met its mark, for a giant metal slab flew at him, made deadly by an unholy combination of the Stasis rune and two innocent bombs lying on top.

Twilight hadn’t the mental energy to do anything other than sigh. He was so, _so_ , tired. Wild didn’t even get his money back.

* * *

“I’m sure there’s a couple trees good for firewood down this way,” Wild muttered, leading Time down a path only made a path by years of footsteps trampling the grass and making everything ungrowable. 

True to his word, a couple trees (four, to be exact) stood down that way. Exactly like he had said. Next to those trees, however, was a plain-looking traveller admiring said trees.

Time inwardly grinned. He knew what was going to happen. Unlike Twilight, who had made attempts to prevent Wild engaging with the obviously-hostile ‘travellers’ (as vented to him the night after from sheer stress), Time was more than content to let Wild do his thing with them. The kid could take care of himself. Besides, he was looking forward to seeing what exactly Wild had been saying to these ‘travellers’ that had made poor Twi so stressed.

So, he hung back and let Wild approach the disguised Yiga.

“Come on, Link,” the ‘traveller’ began, leaning against a tree. “You can’t avoid us forever. Why not join the Yiga Clan?”

Time felt a wave of disappointment wash over him. That was… a rather pitiful attempt on the traveller’s part of hiding his Yiga loyalties.

Wild hummed, exaggerating confusion. “I’m not sure… What’s the Yiga Clan, again?” he asked, as if he wasn’t carrying both a vicious sickle and a duplex bow from defeated foot soldiers on his back.

The Yiga glared at him. “A group of _brave_ ,”—Time couldn’t help but snort—“warriors, founded by Master Kohga—who _you_ killed—set on defeating a hero long thought dead!”

The Yiga shifted into a battle stance.

“I’ll send you to join our master!”

On cue, all four of the trees ripped themselves from the ground and threw themselves at the Yiga, forcing him to teleport away. Time smiled, shaking his head. The kid could definitely take care of himself.

Time approached Wild, sighing. “That one didn’t even _try_.”

“Yeah, they usually say better things than that.”

“I’m extremely disappointed.”

“Me too.”

* * *

“Wild, I highly doubt we are going to find any weapon of decent quality to replace your broadsword here,” Four said, glaring up at Wild, skipping along the field without a care in the world. “ _How_ many hits did you get out of that thing?”

“About seven.”

Four wanted to cry. “How do you fuck up a weapon that much in _seven hits_?”

Wild shrugged.

“And where are we finding a weapon around here? There’s nothing for miles.”

Wild smiled in a mischievous way that made Four fear for his sanity a little. “That’s where you’re wrong,” he said, as if they weren’t standing in the middle of a field without even a monster to its name. “See that traveller over there?”

Four nodded hesitantly, seeing the woman in the distance.

“We’re gonna talk to her.”

“Why do I feel like this is a terrible idea?” Four asked himself. Naturally, he got no reply.

The traveller caught sight of them and called them over. Wild approached her with a smile.

“Thank the Goddesses you’re here,” she said, relieved. “I’m looking for something…” 

“What are you looking for?” Wild asked.

The traveller grimaced. “There’s this _word_. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I just can’t think of it…” she mused. “It starts with L, and ends with K. What could it be?”

Wild furrowed his eyebrows, deep in thought, before perking up with an idea. “Is it ‘lurk’?”

The traveller shook her head. “Isn’t that when you sneak around and listen in on others? It sounds like what I’m looking for, but that’s not it…”

“Is it ‘lack’, maybe?” Wild suggested. The traveller shook her head. Four stifled a groan. “What about ‘lick’?”

“Oh, that word!” the traveller exclaimed. “That’s when you use your tongue to taste something, right? Yeah…” She hummed. “Not the word I want, though.”

Wild then went back to his deep thinking, suggesting several more words—including ‘look’, ‘lock’, and ‘leak’—that were all shot down by the traveller. Four was getting extremely tired of this circular conversation and just wanted to find Wild a new sword already.

Wild tilted his head in thought. “‘Leek’?”

The traveller brightened. “Ooh, the long vegetable! Wait,” she frowned, “is it a vegetable? I actually don’t know. It’s still not the word I’m looking for, though.”

Four was on the verge of giving up and walking away. What were _leeks_ going to help do when they wanted a weapon? Not even Wild would use a leek to fight something. He cared too much about its usage in soup for that.

“If it’s not lurk, or lack, or lick or look or lock or leak, and it’s not even _leek_ , I have no idea what word you’re looking for,” Wild said solemnly. Part of Four (Red) felt bad for him, while other parts (Blue and Green) were extremely bored of these events and just wanted to find the weapon already, and the last part (Vio) wondered how exactly Wild had managed to think of _so many words_ beginning with L, ending with K, and having four letters on the spot so easily.

The traveller looked at him with desperation. “Please!” she cried, falling to her knees. “You’ve gotta help me. I _need_ to know this word!”

Wild’s eyes crinkled, looking at her with sadness. He laid a hand on the traveller’s shoulder, and the traveller looked up at him with pure, raw hope—the kind of hope that only existed alongside true trust and a belief that everything would be made okay. They gazed into each other’s eyes, taking in each and every detail of the other. Four felt like an intruder and really, really wanted to just find that weapon already.

“Tell me,” Wild started, voice soft. “Is that word ‘Link’?”

They continued to gaze into each other’s eyes passionately, and Four swore _if this was going to turn romantic he was breaking all of Wild’s precious ladles, Hylia help him—_

The traveller’s breath hitched, and she stood up, looking at Wild with a newfound admiration. 

“Yes,” she whispered. “It is.”

Four wasn’t just going to break Wild’s ladles. He was going to _reorganise his entire inventory_. He would destroy Wild’s meticulous system, he’d put the edible foods next to the ores, he’d mix up the cold-resistant armours with the stealth ones. He was also going to kick Wild in the shins. Yeah. He would go that far—it was what Wild deserved for putting him through _this_.

To Four’s immense confusion, the adoration in her eyes twisted into malice and her gentle smile became a vicious smirk.

“We meet again, Link,” she announced, red magic swirling around her. “Begone, enemy of my master!”

In the traveller’s place stood a red-clad assassin-person, waving a sickle high in the air and—

No. _No_. That couldn’t have been what Wild intended to do this whole time. That sickle couldn't have been his objective. (But as much as he hated to admit it, Four knew that Wild had planned this from the start and decided to bring him along for whatever reason.)

Wild, completely unfazed (Four, meanwhile, was completely freaking out internally because _what the heck—_ ), unhooked his Sheikah Slate from his hip and pointed it at the traveller-assassin-person. She froze completely. Wild tore the sickle from her grip, and when she broke free of the freezing, used it to attack her until she retreated in a burst of red magic.

Four blinked. He stared. He tried to form words, anything in response to the whole situation but found he couldn’t. 

“Got my weapon!” Wild announced proudly. “Let’s head back to—” He looked weirdly at Four, as if _Four_ had been the one to do anything strange at all in the past ten minutes. “Four?”

Four continued to stare blankly, until his mouth decided it wanted to work again, and he blurted out, “Wild. What the fuck.”

Wild shrugged, turning on his heel and heading back to the camp.

* * *

“Wild.”

Wild’s attention was drawn, his curiosity turning into horror as he saw his three precious ladles in Four’s left hand and the Four sword in his right.

“See these ladles?” he said. Wild nodded, terrified. Four grinned. He set the ladles down on a piece of nearby wood and raised his sword, looking Wild directly in the eye. Wild made no attempt to move. Good—Four wanted to see his exact reaction to this.

“What are you—”

Four laughed, channeling his inner evil villain. “This is what you deserve.”

He brought his sword down upon the ladles. All three of them split with a clean _snap_. Wild’s scream of anguish could be heard throughout the whole forest, Four’s laughter a horrifying yet necessary echo. 

“Those were my best ladles!” Wild cried. 

“Good,” Four said, “you can beg Sky to carve you more. And explain to him _exactly_ why they’re broken.”

Wild rushed over, staring brokenly at his lost ladles. Four used the moment to kick him in the shin, leaving him curled up on the ground clutching his leg and the remains of his ladles.

* * *

“Isn’t Master Kohga just _so_ dreamy?” a traveller asked Wild as he and Warriors strolled past. 

Warriors was confused. “Who’s Mast—”

“He’s got a dumb belly,” Wild interrupted.

“A dumb… belly?” The traveller's face shifted into anger. “So your plan was to not only defeat Master Kohga, but to mock him as well?”

“Wild, we should go—”

Wild waved him off. “It’ll be _fine_ ,” he said, drawing out the word ‘fine’ for just long enough to make Warriors doubt that it would be ‘fine’ in any way.

“You can offer your apologies to Master Kohga in person!”

A flash of a spell revealed some twisted sort of Sheikah, ready to strike at them with an extremely sharp and pointed circular blade. Warriors drew his sword, but it was useless—Wild had already thrown a nearby metal box at the traveller, forcing him to retreat.

Warriors stared at where the traveller had been, huffing in amusement. 

“A ‘dumb belly’?” he asked, incredulous.

Wild leaned down to collect the bananas(?? Why _bananas_ , of all things?) the traveller had left behind. “You should’ve seen it— Wait, I’ve got a picture.”

“Why do you have a picture?”

“I need to fill the Compendium,” Wild muttered, looking through the photo album on his slate. He grinned, obviously having found it, and showed it proudly to Warriors. “Here!”

Warriors recoiled. That was… quite a dumb belly. Huh.

“How is that ‘dreamy’?”

Wild shrugged. “Who knows.”

* * *

Legend paused in his step, turned around, and noticed that Wild _was not behind him_. He had stopped watching him for twenty seconds. Twenty seconds. 

“Wild!” he shouted, not even trying to hide how frustrated he was. “I swear to all the Goddesses, if you’re doing something stu—”

As if the world was against him—which, as far as Legend was concerned, it _was_ and always had been—Wild was indeed doing something stupid. He was talking animatedly with a random traveller-merchant on the side of the road. Wasn’t the first rule to not die horribly in the wilderness ‘don’t talk to random strangers’? Wasn’t Wild supposed to be the _survivalist_ of the group?

The merchant gestured to her tray full of bananas. “And the taste—like a dream!” 

Legend groaned. He didn’t have time for this.

“So what do you say—wanna buy a pair?”

Wild grinned. “I’ll—”

“We’ll pass, thank you,” Legend interrupted, grabbing Wild by the shoulder and enthusiastically fantasising the mouthful he’d give Wild later for being a general idiot.

The traveller-merchant gasped, expression turning to shock and then anger.

“You’ll pass? _Pass_?! It would be a horrible mistake to pass on these,” the merchant picked up one of the bananas from her tray and threw it at Legend square in the face, “amazing, wonderful, fantastic bananas!”

Wild sighed. “ _Now_ you’ve done it.”

Legend glared at her, hand reaching for his fire rod so he could show her _exactly_ what he thought of her ‘amazing’, ‘wonderful’ and ‘fantastic’ bananas.

The merchant ignored his movements and continued. “Listen, here’s how it works! I sell; you buy. Stop holding up the show and do your part!”

“Like I _said_ ,” Legend emphasised, waving his fire rod at the bananas and feeling intense glee at her horror as they burned to a crisp, “we’ll pass.”

The traveller-merchant narrowed her eyes. “What… do you just hate bananas?”

Legend nodded.

“Well then,” she said, turning to Wild, “any enemy of bananas is an enemy of our cause. Prepare to die!”

Legend sent a look to Wild that approximately said, ‘Can I finish this?’.

Wild gave a thumbs up.

Just as the traveller revealed their Yiga loyalties officially, Legend let loose the entire firepower of his fire rod, grinning as maniacally as Wild did while ‘fishing’. The all-encompassing scent of burning bananas filled the air. 

Later, Sky would stumble upon the two of them—lying among grass burnt to a crisp and absolutely reeking of banana—and just stare, wondering ‘why?’. Legend would feel no regret whatsoever, even when all of his belongings smelled of banana for the next week.

* * *

“Hey, buuuuudy!”

Sky whirled around, finding the owner of a voice—a woman, smiling flirtatiously at Wild and shyly tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. He chuckled, turning his attention back to the wildberry bush. And if he maybe didn’t pay quite as much attention on ripe wild berries and a little more attention on the cute interaction between Wild and the random traveller, who would call him out for it?

“I— Me?” Wild blurted out. Sky forced back a laugh at his awkwardness. 

The traveller avoided Wild’s gaze, looking down to the ground. “Well, I was wondering… Since you’re just _so_ cute, would you like to,” she made eye contact with Wild, smiling again, “spend some time with me? Alone?”

That smile—it had an edge to it. Sky’s stomach dropped and his hand reached for his sword. He really hated creepy enemies.

Wild smiled back. “Alright,” he said, and Sky’s heart lurched—until he realised that Wild’s smile had the exact same edge to it, and he wasn’t as worried anymore.

Though, worried or not… He still hated creepy enemies. The kind that flirted and charmed their way into trust only to betray later on. The kind that liked to pretend that they were anything other than an enemy. The kind that had absolutely no sense of boundaries at all. (He hated Ghirahim).

Wild knew exactly what he was doing: of that Sky had no doubt. But Sky really, really wanted to take out some long-simmered frustrations about these types of enemies on someone. 

He drew his sword and stood. 

The traveller grimaced. “Damnit. Can’t everyone just play along with this?” she said, glaring at Sky, before narrowing her eyes at Wild. “Begone, enemy of my Master!”

Sky used that opportunity to use every item he had at his arsenal to attack her. And when he said every item, he meant every item—including the Beetle. And the bug net. Of course, most of the damage was done with the Master Sword, and all in all it only took about two hits for the traveller to retreat, but in any case it was a wonderful way to express his frustrations, made all the sweeter by the fact he got to throw every attack option he had at his disposal at her.

“Sorry,” he told Wild, “you probably wanted to deal with her. But something about creepy enemies makes me want to be the one to defeat them, you know?”

Wild nodded in understanding. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Personally I just really hate technology enemies, like Guardians. Long standing grudge.”

Guardians did kill Wild once, so that made sense, Sky supposed. They were also horrible to deal with. (Not nearly as horrible as _his_ Guardians, but he wasn’t going to bring that up.)

* * *

A plain-looking traveller stood off the edge of the path. Wild happily moved to speak to him.

Four grabbed him by the back of his cloak. “No. You’re not doing this to me again. We’re leaving.”

“Agreed,” Twilight chimed in. “Your wallet has yet to recover from last time.”

Four stared at Twilight. Twilight stared at Four. It was in that moment that the two of them realised that they had absolutely no idea what the other was talking about.

“What do you mean ‘his wallet hasn’t recovered’?”

“I mean he spent almost 10,000 rupees the last time we came across a traveller. Then the traveller tried to kill us.”

“I wish I had it that easy…”

“Is that why you murdered Wild’s ladles?”

“And kicked him in the shins, yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: i forgot the word for chefs kiss when writing this. i thought it was a french kiss. a quick google told me it was not, in fact, a french kiss, but that almost made it in (and had i not had the sense to google beforehand you would have had to witness me saying french kiss instead of chefs kiss…)


End file.
